30

Today I turned 30.  To be honest, this day has kind of sucked.  I have always looked forward to my birthday, to doing something fun.  My birthday really hasn't been anything spectacular the past few years.  Today, I got cranky boys, well-child check-ups, a sick little one and then the night at home with two of the boys.  I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  See, being home all day everyday really isn't all it is cracked up to be.  I don't have places to go, friends to talk to, so I think.  30 years and what have I done?  I went to college, pretty much worthless because I am not working in my field and probably never will.  I have 3 great kids but they drive me crazy!  The 4 year thinks he doesn't have to listen and throws the biggest fits.  I feel like a failure as a mom because I can't get him to stop.  I get mad and yell and then feel horrible about it.  I don't want to be that way, but yet that is what is happening.  I need a break from my kids.  We know we all say and think that as moms.  My time away is grocery shopping which really isn't a break.  I don't have friends that I can call up and go hang out with.  This isn't some sob story, it is the truth.  I mean, my own siblings couldn't care less that today is my birthday (except one).  I have made friends here in Michigan, but none of those friendships seem to last for some reason.  It always happens the same way.  I think we are good friends because we hang out, talk on the phone, but then it all stops.  They don't answer my calls anymore, ignore my texts, or say they will come over and never do.  Then I have my hubby basically tell me that it is my fault because I have my "b**ch" face and scare people away because I don't talk.  That really makes a person feel great.  I stop talking because I can't handle the pain of loosing more friends.  I can't handle all the fake people, all the nice to your face and talk crap behind your back people.  Lately it seems that even though I have things in common with others, I am still left out of the conversation.  I get the feeling from some people that me getting pregnant was done because others were pregnant.  But, like I said, I do a lot of thinking and maybe that isn't a good thing.  I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, so now I will talk to you.  I just don't know what to think anymore.  If I just stay home, I don't have to deal with that pain.  I just don't have the energy to try anymore.  When I go back to WI, I have friends that I can call up and hang out with, I miss them.  I miss having those people in my life here.  Yeah, 30 is big and just really made me think about everything.  I'm not sure how I will like this whole 30 thing.