Never Ending

Does it ever seem like your work at home is never done?! I have always thought that, but have really been feeling it lately. I feel like all I do is clean and yet my house never seems clean! But, lets get real here, I have two little boys who love running around, are full of energy, and our house looks like we live here :) My problem is that I have so many things I want to do. I start one thing and then move to another, and then another, and I'm still stuck in the clutter. I am trying really hard to simplify my list. I need to finish a room before moving onto the next. And honestly, I'm not going to be cleaning all day instead of spending time with my boys. I pick up their toys and little messes during the day, but save the big things (like dishes) til after they are in bed. It bothers me when things aren't in their places, or there are dishes on the counter (which happens often) and it really bothers me when I get the whole house looking so nice and then 2 days later, it is a mess again. Now that it is getting so nice out, we will be spending more time outside :) I hope this doesn't sound whiny, I'm just at the point where I can't do everything. Like I said though, simplify...that is what I'm going to try this week. It is now time to put away the mountain of clothes that are sitting on my bed. That, is another bad habit of mine...haha...I leave the clean, folding laundry in baskets. In my next house, we are going to have closets....and not just one small one either. We will say that is my excuse :)

It is not Goodbye, it is See You Later

I have been trying to write this post all week. Two weeks ago, I said goodbye to my grandpa. But, I am thinking of it as a "see you later" not "goodbye" thing. My grandpa was a great man. He was 94, a WWII vet, owned a bakery with my grandma, had a large family, had this smirk when he said something funny, liked to talk to you in Polish (even though we had no clue what he was saying!), had tons of stories, and had a lot to teach us. We went back to Wisconsin two weeks before he passed so see him one last time. I got a call saying his kidneys were shutting down and it wouldn't be much longer, maybe a few days. I don't think the doctor knew my grandpa very well! He didn't even seem like anything was wrong. It was nice for the boys to be able to see him again, although Oliver won't remember things. Jamie was his little buddy the day we were over there. They were sharing food in the kitchen and just having some special time together. I have a picture from that visit, but just haven't put it on the computer yet. Honestly, I can't handle looking at it right now. I get the local newspaper from my home town and broke down when I saw his obituary in there. I don't have a lot of memories of my grandpa from when I was little. I remember visiting them (they lived only a couple of minutes away and we were there ALL the time!) and grandpa would be sitting in his chair in the study, doing his crossword puzzles. After my grandma passed away, we got to know grandpa a little better. I never knew he liked to talk to so much! My siblings and I were there a lot and loved visiting with him. We were never too busy to chat for a while. Whenever I would come back from college, I would always head to his house. He would tell me about his garden, or what his neighbors were doing (he knew everything), and he always had cookies! He would make me cookies to take back to college with me. Then, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and almost didn't make it. My parents were there to take him to his appointments, made sure he had food, and just company. He would come over for every Easter, every Thanksgiving. I am so thankful that we had that time together. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the funeral. I went to the wake for my grandma, but could barely handle that (I was about 13 I think) and I didn't go to the funeral. I did know that I didn't want the boys at the wake or the funeral. We told Jamie that great grandpa went to be with Jesus and that he was happy and could see grandma again and Jamie got that. But, I didn't want him to see him laying there and start asking questions. The wake was very nice. He looked so peaceful. You see, grandpa was ready to go "home." I think he was annoyed at times that he was still here. He had people to see on the other side. It makes me happy and more at peace knowing that grandpa knew where he was going and was totally ready to go. But, we were not ready. The funeral was extremely hard for me, for my whole family. My parents, siblings and I spent so much time with grandpa. And now....now we are lost....what are going to do? My youngest brother, who is 15, hadn't really shown any emotions about anything, until it was time to say goodbye one last time before they closed the casket. He lost it and I felt it was my role to be there for him, I'm the big sister. I grabbed him and he just put his head on my shoulder and just cried. My other two brothers were pallbearers. We went out to the cemetery. I then saw my other brothers loose it. Again, I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of them. Me and my siblings were the last ones in the cemetery, and that felt right. But, it was so hard to see my brothers like that.

I think what is even more hard, is that my dad's family is growing apart. Things were really good when both of my grandparents were alive. Things started to go downhill a couple years after my grandma passed and just got worse and worse. We all used to get together all the time and had fun. Now, people are so mean to others. To me, it seems like my family gets it the worst. I mean, I shouldn't have relatives talking bad about me or my kids. That is sad! The last couple of weeks of grandpa's life was hard because all these people came around that really weren't around before.....you know the ones that are too busy to come around. But then, then all of a sudden people care. But, then I stop....I know that my grandpa knew who truly cared for him. And now, now he is looking down on all of us and seeing how foolish some people are acting.

I do want to say that this post has taken me a week to write. I still can't believe that he is gone. I keep thinking that we will see him when we are back in town, that Jamie can hang out with him some more, and that Oliver can get to know him. I will miss our chats. I think one of the saddest things is just that the family is falling apart. I can only pray that things will get better. Now, I only have stories to share with the boys. They will know great grandpa and great grandma. Jamie knows that great grandpa went to be with Jesus and that he is happy and is watching over us. I have to remind myself of that also.