At a Loss

I am at a loss, a loss for feelings, for words...ok, maybe not words.  There is a whole lot of drama going on in my family.  Drama that I won't go into detail about because I will not blast all that on the internet.  We all have drama but this sucks!  I hate it when people change into someone completely different.  I guess what is worse, is that you can't say anything because if you do, you are the bad person.  But talking doesn't always help.  Sometimes it makes people angry or causes them to make silly threats, or act very immature.  People can talk about me, but when people start dragging my kids into things and saying mean things about them....watch out for this momma bear!  My kids are my life and I'm not going to let things like that happen them, especially at their tender ages.  Some of this I can't fix, I can't talk anymore, they need to figure things out on their own and hopefully that happens soon.  The way I see it, the Big Man upstairs sees all, knows all, and these people have to face that some day.  I need to put it in his hands.  My prayer list is getting larger.  All I can do right now is pray and hope that things will get better.  But like I said, we all have problems, so my prayers will be for anyone having those issues.  Anyway, enough of that!  Now, it is time to sleep....and think of a much more happier post for tomorrow :)

Feeling a little down

Have you ever had those days before?  You know, the kids are being a handful, the house isn't very clean, you haven't started supper, you didn't take a shower?!  The joys of being a mom I guess :)  I have been having some issues with the way I look lately.  I don't want to sound full of myself or vain, I know that have had 2 kids.  But, I'm not liking my belly area, especially by the end of the day and I look pregnant....if I don't suck it all in.  I gained 50 pounds with both boys and lost it all.  I had a job last year (that I absolutely hated) and it involved a lot of walking, lifting, moving, and I was loosing weight and liking it.  Now, I think I have gained a few pounds...my clothes still fit the same, but it is just that stupid belly area.  Then, I always say that I'm going to work-out, do something about it.  I got Zumba for the Wii and was doing that for a little bit, but then, of course fell off of that.  I feel so self conscience about how I look.  I know that is stupid and I shouldn't feel like that.  The hubby tells me that I look good, or hot, and I tell him he has to say that :)  You know what sucks though?  I am thinking about food right now and how I want to eat something!  I'm going to do Zumba tonight and keep doing it.  So I can eat something, right?!  Now that it is getting to be summer here in Michigan (we've had some crazy weather the past few months), I will be taking walks with the boys a lot!  I always put Oliver in the Ergo carrier also, weight resistance, right!  This post isn't suppose to make you feel sorry for me.  I just want to get my feelings out.  And I know that there are probably other moms who think the same thing. 

Gluten Free, Anyone?

We have decided to put Jamie on a gluten free diet and see how things go.  We saw the doctor last week and he said there are definite signs that we can't ignore.  Once he starts school, we will see more....ADD, ADHD and test for things.  I told the doctor that I just wanted somewhere to go from here.  I didn't like the advice we got from the play therapist....good luck, it will be hard.  He recommended fish oil and vitamin D.  I asked about him going completely gluten free and what he thought about it.  I have read a lot about gluten and ADD/ADHD.  So, we are changing Jamie's diet and trying the vitamins.  I can definitely see a change in him.  Daddy has messed up a couple times, but we're working on that :)  We have a calender in the kitchen, so I'm going to write on there what J can have when I am at work.  Now, obviously, we know that Jamie's tantrums will not disappear all together, he's 3!  But, when we don't mess up on the diet, he does not throw his fits where he cries and screams for a minimum of an hour.  When he does get upset, it is easier to calm him down.  He is growing out of his naps and usually throws a major fit when I tell him it is a nap day.  Now, he tells me he doesn't want to take a nap, but will go lay down with me and take a nap, no tears.  How about bed time?  Oh my, so much easier.  I'm excited to see how things go in the next couple of weeks. 


We are still waiting to hear about an appointment for Oliver.  Daddy called the children's hospital just to make sure they actually got the referral.  They did, but said it would be a couple of weeks before anyone called and who knows how long after that he will get in.  It has been 5 months already since his initial referral and we still haven't seen anyone.  I'm getting pretty frustrated and just hope that we can get in soon.


On a completely different note.  I was outside today and was going to plant some flowers in front of the house (the ones I planted the other week died for some reason).  I was digging holes and all of a sudden a stupid frog came at me!  It was in the spot I was digging!  I jumped back and went straight in the house.  Oh my word, I hate frogs!

So Much to Say

Ok, so Blogger changed things around, I'm having some issues with this :)  It is telling me that I'm not following any blogs, but I am.  Oh my, I will have to figure it out later. 

Another thought, why do people have blogs, but never write....haha!  I have so many things going on, things that I want to blog about, but just never do.  Some things, I just won't blog about though. 

I am missing my grandpa like crazy.  Easter was especially hard.  We stayed in Michigan so that was probably better.  We spent every holiday with grandpa....Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, he would always come over and eat with us.  I almost asked my mom if he was coming over for Easter.  Why would I do that?  I finally uploaded the pictures from the last time we saw him.  It took me a while to do that.  I couldn't even look at them on my camera.  I'm so glad that Jamie got to spend some time with him and I know that he will always remember that.  Jamie has a super memory!  I love the fact that Jamie knows great grandpa is in heaven with Jesus and is with great grandma Sadie again :)  He also knows that if he ever gets a sister, her name will be Sadie.

We have been dealing with some sensory issues with Oliver.  We are waiting to hear about getting him in to see an occupational therapist.  We brought up the issues at his 15 month check-up (he is now 20 months).  We had mentioned things in past, but we were told that it was just a stage and that he would get over it.  When there was no change at the next appointment, especially with his fear of water, the doctor said he needed some therapy, mainly for the fear of water.  We got sent to a psychologist, but had to wait almost 3 months before we got in there.  She met with us for an hour and said that he needed an occupational therapist (which is what we were getting) and that we had to go somewhere else.  She diagnosed him with severe separation anxiety, but said that the anxiety is most likely caused by the sensory issues.  I'm a little confused as to why she didn't diagnose him with a sensory disorder.  So, we have been trying to find a place that will see him and takes our insurance.  We have pretty good insurance, but this therapy stuff is strange.  I called one place and they said they could help, but needed a referral.  I did that and then didn't hear anything back.  I called and it sounded like they (the therapy place) never got the paper work.  Now, I was told the first time I talked to them, that they would be able to help him.  I talked to them 2 weeks later and now they weren't sure if they could help.  The lady called back and said that her therapist felt that Oliver was "too specialized" and wouldn't be able to help.  Who says that!?  I found another place that accepted our insurance, but the occupational therapy was not covered.  I was so frustrated at this point!  I was sick of calling people and not getting anywhere.  I want to get him the best help that we can, but therapy is very expensive!  The hubby then called the children's hospital.  We are waiting to hear back from them this week about an appointment.  The first psychologist we saw was really nice really understood what we were going through. She told us about some books to read.  I asked if they would help with Jamie and she said most definitely.  It was like she could see things in Jamie.  The doctor also said that she couldn't officially diagnose it, but said she wouldn't be surprised if Oliver had ADD.  That really got me thinking about Jamie and how the play therapist that he saw just said it was an intelligence thing, that he is just so smart and that was pretty much it.  She said good luck and that things will be hard.  Ok, If Oliver will have ADD, then his brother for sure has it!  I don't care if they do, I would just like to know so we can learn techniques to help them now.  We have been having some issues with Jamie, so he has an appointment tomorrow with his doctor.  I have been feeling like such a horrible parent lately.  The hubby is at work at night, and nights are the hardest.  I yell at the boys and then feel so bad for doing that.  I have been working really hard on that.  Yelling has no effect on Jamie.  He responds much better if you talk calmly to him and explain things.  But oh my, that is so hard to do sometimes. 

Ok, I think this is long enough :)  I say it all the time, but I really want to blog more and I'm really going to try.

Never Ending

Does it ever seem like your work at home is never done?! I have always thought that, but have really been feeling it lately. I feel like all I do is clean and yet my house never seems clean! But, lets get real here, I have two little boys who love running around, are full of energy, and our house looks like we live here :) My problem is that I have so many things I want to do. I start one thing and then move to another, and then another, and I'm still stuck in the clutter. I am trying really hard to simplify my list. I need to finish a room before moving onto the next. And honestly, I'm not going to be cleaning all day instead of spending time with my boys. I pick up their toys and little messes during the day, but save the big things (like dishes) til after they are in bed. It bothers me when things aren't in their places, or there are dishes on the counter (which happens often) and it really bothers me when I get the whole house looking so nice and then 2 days later, it is a mess again. Now that it is getting so nice out, we will be spending more time outside :) I hope this doesn't sound whiny, I'm just at the point where I can't do everything. Like I said though, simplify...that is what I'm going to try this week. It is now time to put away the mountain of clothes that are sitting on my bed. That, is another bad habit of mine...haha...I leave the clean, folding laundry in baskets. In my next house, we are going to have closets....and not just one small one either. We will say that is my excuse :)

It is not Goodbye, it is See You Later

I have been trying to write this post all week. Two weeks ago, I said goodbye to my grandpa. But, I am thinking of it as a "see you later" not "goodbye" thing. My grandpa was a great man. He was 94, a WWII vet, owned a bakery with my grandma, had a large family, had this smirk when he said something funny, liked to talk to you in Polish (even though we had no clue what he was saying!), had tons of stories, and had a lot to teach us. We went back to Wisconsin two weeks before he passed so see him one last time. I got a call saying his kidneys were shutting down and it wouldn't be much longer, maybe a few days. I don't think the doctor knew my grandpa very well! He didn't even seem like anything was wrong. It was nice for the boys to be able to see him again, although Oliver won't remember things. Jamie was his little buddy the day we were over there. They were sharing food in the kitchen and just having some special time together. I have a picture from that visit, but just haven't put it on the computer yet. Honestly, I can't handle looking at it right now. I get the local newspaper from my home town and broke down when I saw his obituary in there. I don't have a lot of memories of my grandpa from when I was little. I remember visiting them (they lived only a couple of minutes away and we were there ALL the time!) and grandpa would be sitting in his chair in the study, doing his crossword puzzles. After my grandma passed away, we got to know grandpa a little better. I never knew he liked to talk to so much! My siblings and I were there a lot and loved visiting with him. We were never too busy to chat for a while. Whenever I would come back from college, I would always head to his house. He would tell me about his garden, or what his neighbors were doing (he knew everything), and he always had cookies! He would make me cookies to take back to college with me. Then, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and almost didn't make it. My parents were there to take him to his appointments, made sure he had food, and just company. He would come over for every Easter, every Thanksgiving. I am so thankful that we had that time together. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle the funeral. I went to the wake for my grandma, but could barely handle that (I was about 13 I think) and I didn't go to the funeral. I did know that I didn't want the boys at the wake or the funeral. We told Jamie that great grandpa went to be with Jesus and that he was happy and could see grandma again and Jamie got that. But, I didn't want him to see him laying there and start asking questions. The wake was very nice. He looked so peaceful. You see, grandpa was ready to go "home." I think he was annoyed at times that he was still here. He had people to see on the other side. It makes me happy and more at peace knowing that grandpa knew where he was going and was totally ready to go. But, we were not ready. The funeral was extremely hard for me, for my whole family. My parents, siblings and I spent so much time with grandpa. And now....now we are lost....what are going to do? My youngest brother, who is 15, hadn't really shown any emotions about anything, until it was time to say goodbye one last time before they closed the casket. He lost it and I felt it was my role to be there for him, I'm the big sister. I grabbed him and he just put his head on my shoulder and just cried. My other two brothers were pallbearers. We went out to the cemetery. I then saw my other brothers loose it. Again, I felt like it was my responsibility to take care of them. Me and my siblings were the last ones in the cemetery, and that felt right. But, it was so hard to see my brothers like that.

I think what is even more hard, is that my dad's family is growing apart. Things were really good when both of my grandparents were alive. Things started to go downhill a couple years after my grandma passed and just got worse and worse. We all used to get together all the time and had fun. Now, people are so mean to others. To me, it seems like my family gets it the worst. I mean, I shouldn't have relatives talking bad about me or my kids. That is sad! The last couple of weeks of grandpa's life was hard because all these people came around that really weren't around before.....you know the ones that are too busy to come around. But then, then all of a sudden people care. But, then I stop....I know that my grandpa knew who truly cared for him. And now, now he is looking down on all of us and seeing how foolish some people are acting.

I do want to say that this post has taken me a week to write. I still can't believe that he is gone. I keep thinking that we will see him when we are back in town, that Jamie can hang out with him some more, and that Oliver can get to know him. I will miss our chats. I think one of the saddest things is just that the family is falling apart. I can only pray that things will get better. Now, I only have stories to share with the boys. They will know great grandpa and great grandma. Jamie knows that great grandpa went to be with Jesus and that he is happy and is watching over us. I have to remind myself of that also.

Back on the Gluten Free Lifestyle

Let me tell you, this gluten free thing can be tricky at times. I was having a lot of knee pain again, so I started doing even more research on the foods I was eating. I found a few things that were questionable and I cut those out. Things got better again and I was so happy. Then on Thursday, the knee pain returned. I was really frustrated at this point. Well, Wednesday night I had two pieces of Hershey's miniature dark chocolate. I guess Hershey is very good at hiding their gluten and not telling people. I found out that their products are a big no-no. I was happy to find this out though....at least it wasn't the other stuff I was eating! I can live without their chocolate :)

Last night, I was talking to my super bestest friend from back home and she asked if I cook gluten free when people come over. We really haven't had anyone over for dinner, except my sister and brother-in-law. But, the answer is yes. When I cook meals for us, they are GF. I am not going to take away mac and cheese from the little ones, but I do want to limit their gluten intake. Eventually I would like the boys to eat GF cereal. Their fruit snacks are GF. I am planning on making my own bread, so they would eat that also. I'm curious to see if it will help Jamie with his eczema. He only has problems during the winter. This winter has been so crazy, weather wise, that he hasn't really had any issues. Well, that is my update. I have to work at 8am....I know, not early for most people, but for me it is! My boys sleep til at least 9, and I love that :) Anyway, time for bed!